It’s already the 24th of September and yet I’m still hoping that somehow I would find something in my inbox. I should stop this crazy thought that I am remembered and that my existence is special because it is not… this lifetime is just one of my many lifetimes and soon this will be over and forgotten too like my other past lives. This lifetime is just another illusion just like anything that happens in this lifetime. After this, it will be forgotten and who remembers previous lifetimes anyway? Sometimes I think I do… I always have those flashes of events that I don’t know from where in my psyche comes from. Dream? If it’s a dream then why do I sometimes see it even when I’m awake and feel like it is real and that it did happen to me somewhere? Imagination? Illusion?
So vivid… the cliff standing so proud and tall. Below it is a raging ocean with its waves roaring towards the wall crashing as if trying to smash the big rocks to pieces. But rather than destruction, it creates remarkable shapes… beauty! Wind blowing steadily from the northeast. It was a nice day and up above the cliff all the plants and grass are green. I could hear the birds chirping and some yelps from dogs playing on the yard. Then there I was… a not so simple woman with a big hat. But I don’t wear a hat?! Was it me? Doesn’t look like me at all but something in me tells me it was me. Hah!
This is just one of my nice vision or imagination or whatever of that place. But there were times when I see myself falling from the same cliff and feeling the coldness of the water below then a sudden thud… darkness follows… I see this sometimes in my dream, sometimes even when I’m awake. Is this the explanation why I’m so fond of cliffs? And why I’m so afraid of the open sea? I know how to swim but why am I so afraid of different big bodies of water still. When I look at the sea and watch its waves and its vastness, I feel the chill inside me… goose bumps in my skin… fear… It’s a good thing my knees don’t shake anymore! Hahahah!
My ex was the first one who taught me the basics of swimming and that event has triggered a lot of changes in me but that’s another story. I learned the basics but I still enrolled to a summer swimming class of Philippine National Red Cross to totally overcome my fear. There were 3 swimming pools. To get to the 3rd pool where my class was held, I had to walk along the path between the two other swimming pools and my knees would shake. I would feel relief after passing that path just to feel my chest thumping again when I hear my instructor say “dive!” It was funny but worth remembering. Now, usually after or before work, I would sit on the breakwater and look at Manila Bay, feel the chill and the goose bumps and say silently… “I can face you now…” and I would smile, a devious smile, realizing that I’m not worrying anymore of my fear and start wondering what I can find beyond the horizon. I made it… and I’m ready to move on to the next phase… Face challenges lying beyond the horizon.
That vision and a lot more that I used to think that had happened in one of my past lives might have never really existed at all but just a simple imagination or illusion of my mind. But whatever it is, it helps me in realizing my fear and doing something about it. This lifetime is meant to be spent in bettering myself and the rest of the world towards enlightenment. My existence is just like anybody else’s existence but what makes it different from others is how I spend it. A lot more to learn… I need a guru to teach me or rather remind me (I always have this notion that I know something or learned something in the past and that I just need to re-learn or remember it now) and guide me. Another year has started for me and I think I’m ready now to learn more than illusions…
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From my Friendster Account Published on September 24, 2006
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